Just getting ideas out

Suddenly I feel compelled to try to serve this world somehow.  I want good things for it and all people. There is enough suffering already, I really want peace and forgiveness for all these people. I am not even concerned with Justice in the sense of punishing someone, but I want everyone to be free and happy.


I am not normally the religious type, but I find my self praying a bit more than usual. Praying for  an end to the suffering in the world. Its not unlike a Buddhist to do so, but I am not specifically Buddhist.  Somehow though, somehow this world must be free.

A lot of people talking about transforming the world. I have too no less. But today is the first time I really, really, felt it. I wanted it from my heart. Anyone can say they want x for the world, but today is the first time in many many years I have really felt it in my heart. I didn't just say it because it sounds good on paper, but now I feel what people have been saying for a while.

Love. Yeah, just trying to feel what it really means is bringing tears to my eyes. When have I ever been so emotional?  But it will be love that heals the world, love that calms and heals the hearts and minds. Love that helps people forgive and let go. And it may have to be shown, not just imagined or told, but shown.

I am not totally sure what this rant is about. I want this world to be better, but suddenly I have all these emotions and sincerity. Where did it come from?  I guess the exercise really helped.  Even though I was exercising to feel okay. I am sure others could do it to feel this way too.  When I exercised, my only goal was to make the pain go away. I never imagined it would transform the way emote. And yet here I am.

I wish the best for everyone, take care of yourself, you can find freedom from suffering if you try. You can find a way, I am sure.

Overcoming addiction

Its not easy to get learn what I have learned, I hope everyone can get the chance to learn it without having to suffer as I have.

Addiction is actually a substitution issue. There is something that you really need at a deep level, and then there is what you are doing. And usually what you are doing is trying to fill in a hole,  with something that can't fill it. And it usually makes the hole bigger.

For example.  These past 2 weeks my heart has really been hurting. I was only vaguely aware of it at first. I kept on trying to do various things to feel good, because I was at least at some level aware I didn't feel good. But I didn't understand what was wrong. So in my efforts to try to feel better I did everything under the sun. I ate food, I played games with friends, I watched comedies, I watched erotica, all of these really empty empty things. 

More than anything, these made things worse. My chest would get more uncomfortable, I would find my attention looking for anything to make myself feel better as fast as possible, to the extent that I felt myself going in 100 different directions at once. I had steam open, I was watching videos on crunchy roll, I had facebook open and was just scrolling and scrolling, I was even trying to download movies at the same time. Always just looking for a moment's pleasure. And all of it was a distraction. A distraction from the suffering I was experiencing. I wasn't really addressing the suffering. What I was really doing was trying to cover it up. Trying to hide it. Trying to find other ways to feel good so that I did not notice how bad I felt.  And it was tearing me apart. 

My solution was to address the real issue, the uncomfortableness in my chest. I eventually did so out of necessity, because eventually the suffering became so intense I could not cover it up at all. I had to address it or it would consume me. So I tried exercising.  After about 10-15 minutes of high-speed walking on a treadmill. I started to feel okay again. I could focus again. I could do something that meant something. I could serve someone or help some cause or contribute to something.  Entertainment in reality had been revealed to be a way of avoiding my own pain. And by soothing my own pain via exercise, entertainment suddenly felt unneeded and empty. I am not saying there is no value in it at all. Some people fulfill their purpose by entertaining others. But for me, it was suddenly no longer needed, it started to feel like a distraction from the things that really matter.

And so I started to make it a habit. Whenever I felt bad, or started to do things that were essentially just entertainment, that did not serve any real purpose, or found myself very unfocused or uncomfortable, I began to exercise. And little by little , I started to feel better. I started to do things that mattered like studying books or working on projects for work. Suddenly I was productive. Suddenly I had ideas and plans and could carry them out and execute them and move on to something else that was important.

I am not saying exercise is the solution to all addiction. But there is something for each one. And whatever it is, it addresses the core issue. And by addressing the core issue, the emptiness, the pain you didn't know you were feeling, curing yourself becomes possible. It can be done. Real peace within your self can be had. And more than just that.  I have found myself much more sincere and feeling than usual. And even today I feel like I want great things for this world to the point of tears.  

You can change, but you need to find what the core hurt really is. You need to find your real sadness, your reason for addiction, your real suffering. When you start fixing that, what you thought you wanted, what you thought you needed to live, becomes so inanimate so unremarkable, so meaningless that you just end up walking away. You just end up walking away from all the things that never really mattered.  And from there you start to find yourself. Your real self.

The mind of a hacker

So today I figured I would talk about well programming and hacking.  Something I have dabbled in and would like to share to get people started on the right path.

So, first of all there are many many different types of hacking. I am only going to talk about 1 specific type and that is hacking desktop applications written with a .NET language i.e. C# , VB.

So to do this, you first need to be able to recognize if something was written in a .NET language. For some this is not easy, but it can be found out quickly.  First you need a decompiler. Also if you see .jar files then its written in Java, and while a similar process exists, I will not be covering it here.

Go grab one here.  https://www.jetbrains.com/decompiler/

Second you open the .dll's and .exe's from the program's directory in it.

• If it is a C++ or C dll it will not open here. So if it opens then it is .NET
• In some cases they will use both .NET and C++. In this scenario its most likely that they have .NET wrappers for external components, much like what OpenTK is for OpenGL.
• In this case save those dlls that you can't open as they are probably referenced by some of the .NET ones. 

Export the .dlls and .exe's to projects.  Do not create a solution for each one. You do not need pdb files for this process either.

Download Visual Studio if you don't already have it.

Create a solution, and add all of the projects you exported into the solution.
From there you now have the source code to the program, and you can make changes, though it will take real investigative work to find out what everything does as they may have used an obfuscator.

Now once you know what you are going to change simply recompile that specific project in Visual Studio.  And you replace the dll the program uses with your modified one.  This can allow you to change the way the program functions, such as removing copy protection.


Now all of that being said, there is a reason I code with F#.  I wrote this code in F#. Something I know damn well would be incredibly annoying if not impossible to convert to C# by hand

open System
[<EntryPoint>]
let main argv = 


    let func1 input1 =  input1.ToString() :>  Object

    let func2 input1 = input1.GetType().ToString() :>  Object

    let func3 input3 =input3.GetType().ToString() + input3.ToString() :>  Object

    let list _ = [func1;func2;func3] :>  Object

    let list2 = [func1;func2;func3;list] :> Object

    list2.ToString() |> Console.WriteLine
    Console.WindowWidth <- 94

    printfn "%A" argv
    () |> Console.ReadLine |> ignore
    0 // return an integer exit code

So when I tried decompiling it. It generated bogus code in C# that does not compile :) This is how I will safeguard my future programs by writing them in a language that doesn't decompile well.

Listless

I have reached an unusual crossroads in my life. I feel I really want to do something or make something. And yet I feel so lazy in doing so. I have the desire but not the willpower. I suspect its just a stage, part of a clearing process. I will see it through to the end.

Sleep

Yeah for me, its this elusive animal, like bigfoot or his frosty cousin the yeti.  I can try so hard to pursue it, chase it, and buy anything and everything under the sun for it, and yet it still does not yield its hidden mysteries to me.  Often only when I least expect it, it happens.

I just learned that expressing myself strangely helps me to sleep better. It really relates back to a previous article, but essentially my life is a bit out of balance, and as a result expressing myself more seems to tip the scale towards balance, allowing me to sleep.  I am not sure that I fully understand this mechanism itself, or why it would be the case that failure to express oneself or emit their own vibration would make it hard to sleep, and yet even as I type that, my intuition is starting to make it clearer through imagery. The point my intuition is trying to make is a rhetorical question. "How can something sleep without any substance of its own?" Anyway, I suppose my time here on earth will teach me extensively about addictions and health challenges. Hopefully all these trying incarnations will allow me to blossom into something wonderful and powerful, and probably really good at healing.  Anyway that is what relevant spiritual literature says the purpose of this suffering could become. And I am pretty sure I believe it too.

A new anime

There is a new anime out that I have come to enjoy even if it injures me a bit emotionally. Its called Anohana.
**Spoiler**
 From the first few minutes of the first episode before the intro I could already tell the little girl was a ghost. But what I could not tell you was how much drama there is in this show.  Spoiler alert, there is death, despair, unrequited love ( a word I only know because of English translations), people living in the past, a highschool dropout, cold woman, a hardass dad, crazy mom, dead mom, running away from home,  and a guy who dresses as a the girl he fell in love with after she died.
**End spoiler**
Yet despite all the insanity, the viewer is left with a beautiful hope that things can change, and that people can go back to being the happy people they were in their youth. It tells the tail of a reinforcing of friendship bonds.

I will say I find Menma a bit annoying at times. Of course she seems extra childish, though I am sure that is done for effect.Seriously though(if/when I have kids, I will promise to give them her good heart, but also a brain and a sense of personal awareness).This girl possesses a strange cuteness that is as blatant as it is pure. A lot of cr fans were crying from this stuff. I have to say I was moved once or twice myself. Be careful, it has a bit of the feels. As for genre, its like a shoujo drama that has a guy as a main character, which in and of itself is an interesting combination.

Truthfully, without ever watching a full episode or even having translations you could still accurately guess what the show was about just from its intro. It captures and articulates the idea so perfectly, that you almost feel it ruins the show a bit for you. Though the guy singing the intro sounds like he is either totally apathetic or has had the energy drained from him.  OR perhaps he's just trying to be chill, its hard to tell with that kind of voice, though the music itself is perfectly grafted to the theme and pace of the animation.

Why I need to blog

Its time for me to start emitting my own vibration. It may seem like a foreign concept to some, but to break it down its really simple. Essentially, I have done way too much absorption. I have been asking too much from others opinions, not placing enough value on my own. I have been seeking validation outside of myself.  And I have been soaking it in. Enough! Now, I will balance my masculine and feminine energies. Usually its the yin that is missing in most men's lives, but for me it was the yang. I was not taking control. I was not acting directly, and instead waiting to be directed. Now its time to show the world what I can do. What my plans and ideas are.

First of all.  I like chocolate. I don't give a damn that it can make me unpredictable and harder to control myself. Given that I have been so passive, a little more unpredictableness is totally called for.

Second,  I like playing games. Its time to put my ideas into action. I am pretty good at that so far. All my character designs are my own. But I can do more. So much more. Its time to stop asking for help and sit down and figure it out like a man. Sure its a bit exaggerated, but its necessary to correct the imbalance in my life.

I like the concept of the F# programming language. It allows for great data processing and sorting. Also good for math.  Even more than that, its a challenge. I like to get myself to try things that I do not fully understand in order to gain intelligence through the process of coming to understand something.   Its a mental exercise that I enjoy. That being said, I its time to do more of those coding challenges in F# instead of C#.

I realize this is more or less a semi-coherent rant. But its necessary for my health. So there. If you don't want to read it, then don't. I will tag this as a rant so anyone hoping to find a programming blog won't be sorrowly disappointed.