Listless

I have reached an unusual crossroads in my life. I feel I really want to do something or make something. And yet I feel so lazy in doing so. I have the desire but not the willpower. I suspect its just a stage, part of a clearing process. I will see it through to the end.

Sleep

Yeah for me, its this elusive animal, like bigfoot or his frosty cousin the yeti.  I can try so hard to pursue it, chase it, and buy anything and everything under the sun for it, and yet it still does not yield its hidden mysteries to me.  Often only when I least expect it, it happens.

I just learned that expressing myself strangely helps me to sleep better. It really relates back to a previous article, but essentially my life is a bit out of balance, and as a result expressing myself more seems to tip the scale towards balance, allowing me to sleep.  I am not sure that I fully understand this mechanism itself, or why it would be the case that failure to express oneself or emit their own vibration would make it hard to sleep, and yet even as I type that, my intuition is starting to make it clearer through imagery. The point my intuition is trying to make is a rhetorical question. "How can something sleep without any substance of its own?" Anyway, I suppose my time here on earth will teach me extensively about addictions and health challenges. Hopefully all these trying incarnations will allow me to blossom into something wonderful and powerful, and probably really good at healing.  Anyway that is what relevant spiritual literature says the purpose of this suffering could become. And I am pretty sure I believe it too.

A new anime

There is a new anime out that I have come to enjoy even if it injures me a bit emotionally. Its called Anohana.
**Spoiler**
 From the first few minutes of the first episode before the intro I could already tell the little girl was a ghost. But what I could not tell you was how much drama there is in this show.  Spoiler alert, there is death, despair, unrequited love ( a word I only know because of English translations), people living in the past, a highschool dropout, cold woman, a hardass dad, crazy mom, dead mom, running away from home,  and a guy who dresses as a the girl he fell in love with after she died.
**End spoiler**
Yet despite all the insanity, the viewer is left with a beautiful hope that things can change, and that people can go back to being the happy people they were in their youth. It tells the tail of a reinforcing of friendship bonds.

I will say I find Menma a bit annoying at times. Of course she seems extra childish, though I am sure that is done for effect.Seriously though(if/when I have kids, I will promise to give them her good heart, but also a brain and a sense of personal awareness).This girl possesses a strange cuteness that is as blatant as it is pure. A lot of cr fans were crying from this stuff. I have to say I was moved once or twice myself. Be careful, it has a bit of the feels. As for genre, its like a shoujo drama that has a guy as a main character, which in and of itself is an interesting combination.

Truthfully, without ever watching a full episode or even having translations you could still accurately guess what the show was about just from its intro. It captures and articulates the idea so perfectly, that you almost feel it ruins the show a bit for you. Though the guy singing the intro sounds like he is either totally apathetic or has had the energy drained from him.  OR perhaps he's just trying to be chill, its hard to tell with that kind of voice, though the music itself is perfectly grafted to the theme and pace of the animation.

Why I need to blog

Its time for me to start emitting my own vibration. It may seem like a foreign concept to some, but to break it down its really simple. Essentially, I have done way too much absorption. I have been asking too much from others opinions, not placing enough value on my own. I have been seeking validation outside of myself.  And I have been soaking it in. Enough! Now, I will balance my masculine and feminine energies. Usually its the yin that is missing in most men's lives, but for me it was the yang. I was not taking control. I was not acting directly, and instead waiting to be directed. Now its time to show the world what I can do. What my plans and ideas are.

First of all.  I like chocolate. I don't give a damn that it can make me unpredictable and harder to control myself. Given that I have been so passive, a little more unpredictableness is totally called for.

Second,  I like playing games. Its time to put my ideas into action. I am pretty good at that so far. All my character designs are my own. But I can do more. So much more. Its time to stop asking for help and sit down and figure it out like a man. Sure its a bit exaggerated, but its necessary to correct the imbalance in my life.

I like the concept of the F# programming language. It allows for great data processing and sorting. Also good for math.  Even more than that, its a challenge. I like to get myself to try things that I do not fully understand in order to gain intelligence through the process of coming to understand something.   Its a mental exercise that I enjoy. That being said, I its time to do more of those coding challenges in F# instead of C#.

I realize this is more or less a semi-coherent rant. But its necessary for my health. So there. If you don't want to read it, then don't. I will tag this as a rant so anyone hoping to find a programming blog won't be sorrowly disappointed.